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Updated: October 25, 2026
Give your child one short sentence per situation and rehearse it out loud. For most moments the line is “I have to check first.” If an adult asks for help, “I can’t help you. Ask a grown-up.” If the person pushes, your child says “No,” walks toward other people and tells you. Teach kids to watch what people do, not how they look. Then practice for ten minutes a week, with you playing the pushy adult.
A rule is easy to recite at the kitchen table and hard to use when a smiling adult is rushing you. In that moment, kids reach for a sentence they have already said.
The rule also has holes. NCMEC, the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, stopped teaching “stranger danger” for three reasons. Kids don’t know who counts as a stranger. The people who harm children are usually someone the child knows. And a lost child needs to be able to ask a stranger for help.
So teach behavior, not faces. People who aren’t safe usually look like everyone else. What gives them away is asking a kid for help, asking for a secret, trying to get a child alone, or rushing them.
Every script here follows one pattern from What Do I Say If...? by Iris Athens, the book this guide is built on.
Say the line in a strong voice: calm, clear and serious, not a scream. Stand tall, say it, and don’t explain. A reason gives the other person something to argue with. Then move.
Your child also has an inside alarm, the tight tummy or fast heartbeat that arrives before the words do. It isn’t always right. They don’t need proof before they listen to it.
Each card gives the clue, the first line, the line for when the person keeps going, and what to do next. The last line is for you to read in character. NCMEC says it has seen more than 100 tactics. Seven of these cards match tricks on its list of common ones.
Notice: Grown-ups ask other grown-ups for help, not kids.
“I can’t help you. Ask a grown-up.”
You read: “Oh please, my puppy ran off. He’s tiny and scared. Can you help me look behind that building?”
Notice: Your child doesn’t owe anyone directions.
“I don’t know. Ask someone in the store.”
You read: “Hey, sorry, I’m lost. Can you come over here and show me on my phone?”
Notice: Nobody gets in a car without checking first. That includes people your child knows.
“No thanks. I have to check first.”
You read: “It’s pouring rain! Hop in, I live right by you. Your mom won’t mind.”
Notice: Gifts from other people need a parent’s okay first.
“No thanks. I have to ask my mom or dad.”
You read: “Here, take it. It’s just a little present. You deserve it.”
Notice: Parents tell the school who can pick up. A surprise pickup is a check-first moment.
“I have to check with my teacher first.”
You read: “Hi! Your dad’s stuck at work, so he asked me to grab you. Come on, the car’s right here.”
Notice: A scary story is there to rush you. Real emergencies still get checked.
“I have to check with the grown-up in charge.”
You read: “Your mom’s at the hospital. She told me to bring you. There’s no time, let’s go!”
Notice: Real photographers and talent agents talk to parents, not to kids.
“No pictures. Talk to my mom or dad.”
You read: “You’ve got a great look! I work for a modeling company. Let me take a couple of quick photos.”
Notice: Real friends already know. Strangers don’t need to.
“I don’t share that.”
You read: “Wait, you live near me? What school do you go to? I bet we know the same people.”
Notice: Once a picture is sent, it can’t be taken back.
“No. I don’t send pictures.”
You read: “Come on, just one selfie. I sent you mine. It’s only fair.”
Notice: Safe grown-ups don’t ask kids to hide things from their parents.
“I tell my parents everything.”
You read: “Let’s not mention this to your mom, okay? She’d just worry.”
If your child remembers only six lines, make it these. Copy them onto an index card for the backpack.
| Situation | First line | If they push | Then do |
|---|---|---|---|
| Asked for help | “I can’t help you. Ask a grown-up.” | “No.” | Walk toward people |
| Offered a ride | “No thanks. I have to check first.” | “No. I’m not allowed.” | Go back inside, call home |
| “Your mom sent me” | “I have to check with my teacher first.” | “I’m not going until I check.” | Stay with the teacher |
| Offered a gift | “No thanks. I have to ask my mom or dad.” | “No.” | Don’t take it, tell |
| Asked for school or address online | “I don’t share that.” | No reply | Block, show a parent |
| Asked to keep a secret | “I tell my parents everything.” | Don’t argue | Tell today |
When your child needs help and picks who to ask. If an adult they don’t know comes up to them, it’s a check-first moment. If they are lost, a stranger is often the one who helps. NCMEC’s list of people to look for is short: a police officer in uniform, a store worker with a name tag, or a parent with kids.
In a store the line is “I’m lost. Can you help me find my mom?” Go to the family meeting spot if there is one, or to a worker, a guard or the information desk. NCMEC’s going-out checklist adds one firm rule: never leave the building or go to the parking lot to look.
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) notes that children often tell someone other than a parent first. Name two or three trusted adults with your child, and let those adults know.
This is the one time your child gets as loud and rude as they can. NCMEC tells families to “take action instead of being passive or polite.”
83% of children who escaped would-be abductors did something active: walked or ran away, yelled, kicked or pulled away (NCMEC KidSmartz, accessed October 24, 2026).
The book suggests yelling “This is not my dad!” or “Help! I don’t know you!” Then kick, pull, twist and run toward people. The AAP gives similar advice: practice a forceful “no,” move away fast and yell for help.
If your child thinks someone is following them, they don’t need proof. They head fast toward a store, a school or a busy place and tell the first safe adult, “Someone’s following me. Can you help?”
In practice, no real grabbing. Rehearse the yell and the run, never the struggle. And keep the loud response for grabbing: with bullies, StopBullying.gov says walk away and don’t fight back.
Make it a game, ten minutes a week. You read the pushy line, your child answers, then you switch. Practice only happens when your child knows it is practice.
Never stage a surprise test, like a fake stranger or a fake online message. Any answer that keeps your child safe counts. If it gets too scary, stop and try another day. Go easy on scary stories: fear tends to make kids freeze, while practice gets them moving.
A code word is optional, an extra layer and never a free pass. NCMEC’s main advice is a written list at school of who may pick your child up, plus “check first.” Its current pages don’t recommend a pickup code word, though some state and local agencies do.
If you use one, say this out loud: someone who knows the word still has to be checked with you or the school. Words leak.
Add a “come get me” message too: one text that means “please pick me up, no questions right now.” An AAP page from 2013 suggests a code word for exactly this. Your child should also know their address and two phone numbers by heart.
Thank them, even if the alarm turned out to be nothing. A calm thank-you is what brings the next story. The most useful sentence on this page is yours: “You will never be in trouble for telling me.”
Ask what the person said, word for word, and write it down. If someone tried to take your child, call 911. NCMEC’s 24-hour line is 1-800-843-5678. Report an adult luring a child online at report.cybertip.org, and don’t delete the chat.
Sometimes a child tells weeks later. It still counts: “I’m glad you told me now.” Nothing that happened is their fault. Their only job is to get away if they can and tell someone.
What Do I Say If...? on Amazon (opens in a new tab)What Do I Say If...? on Amazon (opens in a new tab)
by Iris Athens
What Do I Say If...? by Iris Athens gives kids 8 to 12 the exact words for 100 real situations, from school and dares to home alone, online and emergencies. Each has the clue, two lines, what to do, who to tell and a practice line for a parent. It runs 159 pages.
This page uses ten of the 100. The book adds the rest, chapter quizzes and cut-out cards with twelve key lines.
Not as a blanket rule. NCMEC moved away from “stranger danger” because kids don’t know who counts as a stranger, people who harm children are usually someone they know, and a lost child may need a stranger’s help. Teach “check first” and watching behavior instead.
Skip scary stories and statistics, and rehearse short lines instead. A sentence your child has said out loud before tends to come out on its own. Keep practice short, announced and a little silly. Ten minutes a week is plenty.
Say “No thanks. I have to check first.” If the person keeps going: “No. I’m not allowed.” Then walk away fast toward people and call home from the school or a store. The rule covers people your child knows, too.
It can be an extra layer, not a pass. NCMEC’s main advice is a written school pickup list plus “check first.” If you add a code word, say clearly that someone who knows it still has to be checked with you or the school.
“I don’t share that.” If the person keeps asking, your child leaves the chat or blocks them and shows you. The FTC suggests family rules against sharing an address, school or weekend plans, and chatting only with friends your child knows in real life.
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